Dave Becker for President
You had a choice in November, but you blew it!
In my quest for the presidency, I received a whopping ZERO electoral votes from any state, which means two things. Number one, I didn't fail, you did. I never heard Barack Obama mention the penguin threat one time during his campaign, and still you put him in office. When the penguin hordes come calling - and believe me, they will come calling - don't come crying to me. I did my best. Which leads me to the second great truth of the 2008 election: unless we start changing now, we're all going to die at the flippers of tuxedoed demons.
The Anti-Penguin Party is dedicated to eradicating the greatest threat facing not just our nation, but the entire planet - penguins. The following paragraphs outline my entire platform, and even though the passion of my views and the sheer logic of my thoughts failed to convince enough true Americans to elect me as the leader of the free world, I still believe every word on this page is true. Together we can still stop the penguins.
Global Warming Policy
The penguin plan for world domination is simple. They have punctured our ozone layer right above the South Pole to increase the effects of global warming and destroy the North Pole. Once Santa Claus and all the polar bears are gone, nothing will be able to stop them. The collected greenhouse gases will usher in the next ice age, and a frozen bridge will spread from Antarctica to your front door. The last thing any of us will ever see are the gleaming red eyes of billions of penguins marching on our cities to destroy us.
Global warming can be stopped with one, simple strategy, and I'm just the man for the job. Kill all the penguins, and then put on a parka. We'll all have a white Christmas again, and the summers will be that much sweeter knowing an evil army of tuxedoed fish birds aren't plotting our demise.
Global War on Terror Policy
The penguin brainwashing program has been going on for decades. Sure, Chilly Willy seemed cuddly and innocent in the 1950s, but the endearing character was merely a ruse. Movies like "March of the Penguins," "Happy Feet, " and "Surf's Up" all continued to propagandize us into loving penguins. Now everyone thinks they're so cute, and nobody wants to nuke them. Well, the March of the Penguins is real, and it's coming for you. What are you going to do when a trillion penguins run all over you?
It's time we focus our military on the root cause of all terrorism. Who do you think is pulling al Qaeda's strings? Penguins! What do you think bin Laden is hiding under that dirty robe? A tuxedo! What do you think keeps me awake at night, sleeping with the light on and snuggling my security polar bear? Penguins!
Gay Marriage Policy
Where did the idea of gay marriage originate? That's right, penguins. Penguins have long been known to form homosexual relationships. A 2005 children's book called "And Tango Makes Three" detailed the true story of Roy and Silo, two male penguins in Central Park Zoo who formed a pair bond. That alone should prove how dangerous these pseudo-birds are. Bottom line - penguins are trying to turn us gay, and we need to stop them. As president, I'll push for legislation to destroy all gay penguins, and guess what, that's all of them.
Genetic Research Policy
Penguins are thriving because they have no land predator to stop them, and believe me, penguins show no sensibility or restraint when it comes to stem-cell research and cloning. They are currently amassing an army set on our destruction and world domination. That's why I will institute a new Manhattan Project to genetically engineer and clone an army of armor-plated polar bears. For good measure, we can raise them on the sweet flesh of baby penguins, so when we release them on the Antarctic devils, they'll annihilate them in mere minutes. Don't think armor-plated polar bears are a good idea? Rent "The Golden Compass" and then tell me they aren't the coolest.
No surprise here, but I say we need to invade Antarctica. We need to fight those penguin terrorists there so we don't have to fight them here. After defeating them, we can colonize the ice continent and claim the whole thing for America. Why? The Antarctic shelf is estimated to contain over 100 billion barrels of oil. Why do you think the penguins started this war in the first place?
After our victory over the penguin hordes, I estimate we can power the cities of America for five years by burning the penguins. After that, the oil reserves of Antarctica should sustain us for another 20 years. After that, well after that I won't be president anymore, so I guess it won't be my problem. All I know is, the only penguin I'll have to fear is the stuffed one in my den with the crazy eyes.
Health Care Policy
Everyone prattles about health insurance as if providing affordable insurance will make us a healthier nation. That's like arguing that your collision deductible will fix your car's rusting paint. I'm the only candidate with a plan to offer not insurance, but health.
The majority of illnesses in this country fall under the heading of "cold," and there's supposedly no cure. Well, I know where the cold comes from, therefore I know where the diseases that plague us are coming from. That's right, Americans, penguins are making us all sick. My cure: a giant, easy-to-swallow capsule packed with a 500-megaton nuclear bomb. I'll see you in health, penguins!
Gun Law Policy
Always a touchy subject, I propose an alteration to the second amendment of the Constitution. "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of the free world, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, and so use those arms to slay every penguin, shall be mandated." Look out, you little black-and-white goobers! You just became our new favorite target in the biggest shooter game of all time!
It's no secret our economy is in the toilet, but who put it there? If you're tracking with me, you already know the answer. Stock markets crash when brokers and investors panic. What causes more panic than a scary penguin? Obviously they can blend right into the wall street crowd with their fancy little suits and constipated waddles. And after they create pandemonium, financial analysts cry "bear market" - not describing the market, but invoking the only thing that can save us from penguins - polar bears!
As president, I will install National Guard operatives up and down Wall Street to shoot any suspected penguins on sight. Sure, they may end up picking off a few human participants, but would we really be in worse shape if someone had knocked off some of the more retarded executives of Lehman Brothers, Fannie Mae, or Freddie Mac? It's natural selection (or more properly, National Guard Selection), and if it weeds out the penguins with the rest of the fodder, then I say, "Fire at Chilly Willy!"
I firmly believe life begins at conception. Therefore, we need to destroy not only penguins, but all of their eggs. Those are just fragile shells of death waiting to feast on our flesh. We'll beat them at their own game. Penguin Egg Omelets - the New Breakfast of Champions!
Actually, I could combine this with another initiative - ending global hunger. Rather than limit penguins to breakfast, they can also be lunch and dinner. Perhaps I can even get penguins named as the secret ingredient on Iron Chef. So now America, with an open heart and an empty stomach, I say unto you: Allez cuisine!
America keeps falling behind other developed nations in every standardized test. Everyone seems to think this represents a fundamental deficiency in our education system, but multiple acts and plans have failed to correct the problem. Perhaps the problem isn't our education; perhaps it's those standardized tests. Did you ever look at one right before it's fed into a computer for grading? White and black ovals dot the landscape of the test like a gaggle of penguins on an iceberg. It's no mystery to me: penguins are making our kids dumb.
How these tuxedoed, psuedo-professors ever tricked us into using their tests, I don't know, but it's time to put an end to their confusing ovals. I'll push for a new educational act: No Penguin Left Alive. We'll poke them so full of number 2 pencils, they'll look like black and white wiffle balls. Then we'll all feel like geniuses as we club them into flattened, holey ovals with our yellow bats.
While petty arguments rage about the pros and cons of other nationalities illegally entering our country, our borders remain unprotected from penguins. If our other methods fail, we need a surefire resistance that will keep the demons out of America. That's why I'll erect a ten foot wall from Texas to California, and seal off our southern border once and for all.
When those stupid, flightless knuckleheads come up against our Great Wall, they'll have no idea what to do. And don't think they'll be able to go around it just because they can swim. Offshore drilling on both coasts should guarantee enough oil spills that will trap any swimming penguins in a petroleum net of death. Think Exxon Valdez, only this time there won't be any Hippies giving the penguins a bath. We'll just light them on fire and watch them burn as we all sing "Kumbaya."
American Jobs Policy
Every presidential candidate promises to create millions of jobs, but they never have the cajones to actually list the jobs they intend to create (probably because they're too busy courting the penguin vote, and everyone knows penguins hate lists, and freedom). In the interest of open and honest government, I present a detailed list of specific jobs I'll create within the first month of my presidency: penguin trackers, penguin slayers, penguin skinners, penguin mashers, penguin thumpers, penguin translators, penguin waterboarders, penguin burners, penguin stabbers, penguin shooters, penguin stuffers, penguin castrators, penguin lampshade makers, penguin demonizers, penguin vaporizers, penguin tasers, and polar bear trainers.
Running Again in 2012 Policy
The Anti-Penguin Party is not an officially recognized political party, so that means two things for you, the American voter. First, you won't find a convenient lever in your local voting booth, so you'll have to write my name on the ballot. Second, I don't have millions of dollars to produce smeary TV ads or boring radio ads or not-so-cutting-edge web ads. I'll need your help to spread the word. Tell everyone you know about the penguin threat, and convince them to join the Anti-Penguin Party. It should be easier this time around; we have four years to get the word out. The future of America, nay the world, depends on us. Together we can stop the penguins. Thank you, may God bless America, and may His burning sulfur consume all of our Antarctic enemies.
The information presented in this website represents years of self-inflicted mental abuse and neglect. No one visiting this site should consider Dave Becker to be of sound mind, body, or spirit, and certainly should not advocate his election to any office, national or regional. All persons accessing this website do so at their own risk. Dave Becker has been deemed clinically psychotic in seven states, and as such, all of the opinions in this website are subject to change without notice, reason, or logic. Knowing all of this, if you still wish to vote for Dave, that just makes you awesome. © 2008 Dave Becker. All rights reserved. All penguins must die.